All is better and there is new life on the horizon

Pre-warning this blog will not be well written in any way. I've never been a great writer but I seem to be getting worse. Still I hope that my thoughts get across clearly.

So about a day or two after getting back to Mexico, I talked with my friend Liz. Honestly she has been the biggest blessing in my life since I've been here. So she is a professional massage therapist. First she gave me a massage which was unbelievable and such a blessing b/c my back was killing me that day and prayed for me which at that moment it was as though all of the worry and pain just left me immediately. Later we finally talked or at least I talked and I began to explain everything to her. The feeling of loneliness and longing within my heart, and how it was a little hard being at home because everyone is getting married. It was a feeling of jealousy or hatred towards anyone becaue I am truly happy and excited for everyone. It's just that it made me look at my life and realize that I do long for someone special one day. Lately I have been okay about these feelings but it was as though the past month I was consumed by them. Since I had a lot of time to think at home it was constantly on my mind. There is nothing worse than dwelling on the idea of something that you want to forget, so basically I was tormenting myself. Yes these feelings are natural but when you get to a point of over thinking they can become dangerous. The thing that was so helpful when I talked to Liz was that she understood completely and she gave me some really great advice. At that moment God's grace was truly upon me and I felt extremly encouraged as well as free from a weight that had been resting upon my shoulders for a while. I felt that I truly gave it over to God and I was free to do only what he has called me to do here, anything else will be a surprise gift, which is the best way to receive a blessing.

Well as for everything else, life is going great. I am back into my old routine and their is a new fire brewing inside of me. I crave and hunger for God in such a new way. I want to understand better what it means to be the body of Christ but also what it means to seek him out. I've been lacking in personal time with my Lord and my soul is groaning. I remembered this morning my old daily routine: Waking up, brewing a cup of fresh coffee, walking like a zombie back to my room and taking a sip of that heavenly goodness while I began to read my bible. Honestly it is the simple things in life that I miss. Now I have to be at work by 8am which means I have to wake up by 6am if I want to enjoy this habit. So I want to began doing this again but at this moment I am sick, so waking up early is out of the question. I'm not saying all this to complain but that I'm eagerly looking forward to doing this again. Public prayer time, worship, and great sermons are all amazing but I'm missing my quiet times. I'm looking forward to going through a cheesy quiet time guide with just me and Jesus, because right now that's all I need, nothing fancy just quietly waiting and seeking his voice.

Lastly I was looking through old pictures going all the way back to sophmore year in college. At the same time I was listening to Jars of Clay which I haven't heard for over a year or two and I just felt this warmth in my heart. All of the memories that I have made over the years with my friends who I love dearly. Right then and there I wished that I could go back and time and re-live those adventures. I realized that I had so much fun in college and I will treasure every friendship that I have made because they are a part of me. This leads me to my apology to my girls for my current entry in the journal. If it is a little crazy to read or understand I am sorry because I was working on it between 3am and 7am in the morning and I didn't sleep at all that night.

Well that's all I have to say for now, I'll try to update more often.

Processing My Thoughts

What to write, I'm not sure. Yes I probably write this statement for every entry but this time I think it's because I haven't processed anything yet. Life is going and going and I find myself feeling slightly sad about it. It's all truly bittersweet. I will let you know right now that I wont write exactly my thoughts at this moment because I don't want to be that open right now. Well anyway life seems to be passing me by in a good way at least. It's not that I'm not growing and learning because I am it's just that feelings inside me are welling up that I never experienced before. One thing I'm okay with sharing is the current desire to be married and have kids. Like most women I have always desired this but lately it has been stronger than normal which is all around strange for me. I think on what my mother said: Your reaching that age where this is what a woman desires. Not in the idea that woman only think on marriage and children because this is not it. It's as though an alarm within me began to go off one day and ideas and emotions that I never really had began to appear in my mind. Yes I know that this is completely normal but for me it is completely strange. How do I deal with this and how do I act. I'm so set on being patient and waiting on the Lord because I know it will all work out perfectly in his timing, but it doesn't mean that it is not difficult. Though I haven't fully processed everything this is one idea I came to while visiting family and friends this past week. Relationships in Christ are so precious and I'm just starting to really understand them. I want to spit it all out but I know that now is not the time. I guess to sum up my feelings is as though to say, "I'm a girl and at times it sucks to realize it."
Other than the emotional journey I'm on, I'm back in Mexico. I'm happy to be back because it's nice to be back into the routine of life so I wont think so much, but it was really nice to be home and see my friends and family. Truly only a week at home is not enough time, what I really needed was one week to relax and one week to spend with friends and family. The time just went by too fast, but I was glad to be there. For now that's all I want to say, when I truly process my thoughts I will right more, at least I hope to, b/c I know I am horrible with a blog at times.