All is better and there is new life on the horizon

Pre-warning this blog will not be well written in any way. I've never been a great writer but I seem to be getting worse. Still I hope that my thoughts get across clearly.

So about a day or two after getting back to Mexico, I talked with my friend Liz. Honestly she has been the biggest blessing in my life since I've been here. So she is a professional massage therapist. First she gave me a massage which was unbelievable and such a blessing b/c my back was killing me that day and prayed for me which at that moment it was as though all of the worry and pain just left me immediately. Later we finally talked or at least I talked and I began to explain everything to her. The feeling of loneliness and longing within my heart, and how it was a little hard being at home because everyone is getting married. It was a feeling of jealousy or hatred towards anyone becaue I am truly happy and excited for everyone. It's just that it made me look at my life and realize that I do long for someone special one day. Lately I have been okay about these feelings but it was as though the past month I was consumed by them. Since I had a lot of time to think at home it was constantly on my mind. There is nothing worse than dwelling on the idea of something that you want to forget, so basically I was tormenting myself. Yes these feelings are natural but when you get to a point of over thinking they can become dangerous. The thing that was so helpful when I talked to Liz was that she understood completely and she gave me some really great advice. At that moment God's grace was truly upon me and I felt extremly encouraged as well as free from a weight that had been resting upon my shoulders for a while. I felt that I truly gave it over to God and I was free to do only what he has called me to do here, anything else will be a surprise gift, which is the best way to receive a blessing.

Well as for everything else, life is going great. I am back into my old routine and their is a new fire brewing inside of me. I crave and hunger for God in such a new way. I want to understand better what it means to be the body of Christ but also what it means to seek him out. I've been lacking in personal time with my Lord and my soul is groaning. I remembered this morning my old daily routine: Waking up, brewing a cup of fresh coffee, walking like a zombie back to my room and taking a sip of that heavenly goodness while I began to read my bible. Honestly it is the simple things in life that I miss. Now I have to be at work by 8am which means I have to wake up by 6am if I want to enjoy this habit. So I want to began doing this again but at this moment I am sick, so waking up early is out of the question. I'm not saying all this to complain but that I'm eagerly looking forward to doing this again. Public prayer time, worship, and great sermons are all amazing but I'm missing my quiet times. I'm looking forward to going through a cheesy quiet time guide with just me and Jesus, because right now that's all I need, nothing fancy just quietly waiting and seeking his voice.

Lastly I was looking through old pictures going all the way back to sophmore year in college. At the same time I was listening to Jars of Clay which I haven't heard for over a year or two and I just felt this warmth in my heart. All of the memories that I have made over the years with my friends who I love dearly. Right then and there I wished that I could go back and time and re-live those adventures. I realized that I had so much fun in college and I will treasure every friendship that I have made because they are a part of me. This leads me to my apology to my girls for my current entry in the journal. If it is a little crazy to read or understand I am sorry because I was working on it between 3am and 7am in the morning and I didn't sleep at all that night.

Well that's all I have to say for now, I'll try to update more often.