Something work please!!!!

So I try not to complain to much since I realize that it's not good for me or anyone else who might have to listen. Of course I mean fruitless complaining not when you are sharing your heart and hurts. Yet I find myself in desperate need to complain, and I'm not quite sure if it fits into the former or latter, but I will have a better idea when I finish.

I was reading Jess' bblog today and I could honestly say that I could relate. God has taken everything away from me and it has been one heck of a ride, extremly fun when I just let Him drive. Still their are times when I would like things to just work out, please work!!!! So, so far I have lost two cell phones, bought an alarm clock which SUCKSSSSSSSS, and a watch with one button that you have to hit with a hammer for it to work. Truly all of these things where fine, they're not the best thing that have happened to me but I'm okay. Of course I was fine until the power cord to my laptop JUST STOPPED WORKING! Truly this is too much, my computer is my only menas to do just about anything. I use it to tutor, to talk to friends and family, to read books, etc. It's not as though I'm idiolizing it (at least I hope not), it's just that life just got 1000x more difficult. This would be all good and dandy if I was still in the states and I could call sony and have them ship me another one. Not to mention I could probably use a friends computer (which I am fortunate to be doing right now). Well if you didn't know already, your warranty only applies to the country you live in. So the extra 100 or so dollars I paid does not work here in good 'ol Mexico. I guess many people might think, well why are you complaining. Well let me tell you. Power cords ARE EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! It just made me realize how much it sucks not to have money. I try and I try but yet I feel like I'm still in a hole. When I try to save here comes another issue another problem and honestly it's not fair and it sucks. Now, unless Sony does something when I call them I will have to use the money I'm going to recieve for a power cord and the next check for my plane ticket. God I'm just sick of this truly. Something I would like to be blessed with are finances. I know I'm doing Gods will but sometimes it just all seems so unfair. Gosh could it all just work!!!!!!! Talking about something I don't want to deal with, yet, I have no choice.

Still I must say I don't know where this complaint fits, maybe a mixture of both. Well I'm going to go pray, it's probably the best thing for me right now. Before I do I just wanted to say that maybe it isn't the cord at all it's just life and it seems to be getting to me. I think how I feel right now is best written by David Silkner, it's just I don't know how to do that, so when things fall apart I feel myself falling right along with them.

"I am trembling, but hungry. I am weak, but resolved within myself. I am carnal, immature, and foolish. Yet I have this advantage - by grace I see the way ahead, and the destination that is alive as the dream of my heart. I know what I long for, more than money, comfort, honor, fame, and even the power and blessing of God. I know what I want my life to be about, and I will fight the good fight with the best of my strength to lay hold of something more than flowery prayer language and the ability to teach a few scripture passages. I want God.

One thing I desire, that will I seek."

Father help my heart not to sway over small things b/c it seems that I am being broken down to nothing, so that I might know the sufferings of my savior and grow in my love for him.

Gustas y disgustas (likes and dislikes)

Since I'm not quite sure what I should write I'm just going to make a list of likes and dislikes, well sort of.

What I love:
1) Friends that encourage you and tell you when you need to update your blog.
2) Watching God do miracles in your life
4) Prayer
5) Friends and Family
5) Great Conversations
6) Writing a Play
7) Teaching English
8) Getting Paid
9) The heat, over 90 everyday and rain for 3 months.
10) Arroz con leche and Flan, basically great food.

What I dislike:
1) The daily pick up statements and random people who hit on you.
2) Guys not getting the clue that you don't like them, for example
Maya: I need to go the Privada Hermosa
Taxista(Taxi-driver): Do you like to go out during the night?
Maya: No not really, I work a lot and I'm usually tired.
Taxista: Do you like beer?
Maya: No
Taxista: What do you do on Saturday?
Maya: I work.
Taxista: and Sunday?
Maya: I go to church.
Taxista: I would like to take you out.
Maya: No thank you.
From this point on the process of telling him NO a thousand times will continue until I leave.
Seriously this has gone past the point of frustration and now I am straight up annoyed.
3) This kind of goes with number two, but hating that I can't look nice for myself without some guy trying to hit on me. LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE!!!!!!
4) The heat, over 90 everyday and rain for 3 months.
5) The lack of trash cans, put your trash in a trash can, PLEASE!


Well I am enjoying my time here over all. I have my own prayer slot now 12pm-2pm Monday through Friday, and a new guy is going to join me everyday. So SWEET, b/c he can really play the guitar and I can't so it allows me to sing more. This also give me extra practice with my spanish, b/c he doesn't speak english, so I have to speak and pray in spanish all the time, DIFFICULT!!!!!
The only thing that has been bugging me lately is the constant remarks from men, I am sooo sick of it, truly. I want to be able to leave my house looking really nice and not get hit on about 30 times that day. Ridiculous, right!
I'm currently writing a play I was inspired when I read Matt's screen play. Right now I have about 30/40 mins, but I have a long way to go. It's fun when I'm inspired but I'm not right now, hopefully something will come this weekend.
I'm excited about the next couple of months because a lot of people will be visiting here to learn more about the CDO and how they can start one where they live in Mexico. Also individuals from the states will be visiting for a month long internships. I'm so excited about this. I don't know what else there is to update. I just ask that you guys will pray for me so I can continue to do the Lords will and know what more he has for me while I'm here and what I am to do next.

Voy a trater de escribir mas muy pronto. Espero que algo me inspira para escribir.
(I'm going to try to write more very soon. I hope that something inspires me to write.)
I'm talking about my blog of course!!!!!

Sinner: Yes that's me and Oh how clear it is too

Can I say that I am a sinner, Yes I can and there is a deep piercing in my heart that makes this revelation so profound. Yes I've always known that I was a sinner, which is why I need Christ, yet there are times when the revelation of how horrible my sins are is made clear to me. The things that are truly in my heart. As Jesus says it is not what goes into the body that is unclean but what comes out. Through what we say, think, or do can we see the reality of our fallen nature. So there are two incidents in particular. The first was just my reaction to a situation, which was insensitive. For those of you who know me this might not seem out of the blue or shocking, but it was as though this time around I thought why am I like this, why do I react this way, why can't I be different, and truly I began to relate with the character Jo, in little women: I have no heart, or at least the heart I have God needs to soften even more. How horrible am I or as one of the old testament prophets said, WOE is me. WHY DEAR LORD DO YOU LOVE ME, FOR MY HEART IS AS BLACK AS THE NIGHT? To top that off I can't be as supportive to my friends as I soo desire to do so and do what I feel is my responsibility, if only things were different I guess is my only cry.

Well what really set this confession ablaze was a statement that I said tonight which disgusted me in so many ways. HOW COULD I SAY THAT, WHERE DID IT COME FROM, WHAT WAS I THINKING? I was drinking coffee and eating pastries with my friends here in Mexico and I was saying how I didn't understand something and as always one of them said to me but you are in Mexico not America. Usually I respond with a shrug and accept it but this time what slipt out of my mouth was, "But part of Mexico is America." HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. To some this may seem like nothing but we have to remember the setting here: I'm in Mexico with Mexicans, and the USA took a huge chunk of their land, how insensitive was that!!!! I don't even know why I said it or where it came from, I love Mexico truly and the people here have come to be like family to me honestly, but I felt like I return their love and kindness with a stab in the back. All I can say is my heart, oh my heart. Why that statement was their I don't know but it was and I wish I could change the past but I can't. For me it is just an eye opener to my sins, my inability to be like Christ, my lack of compassion, my lack of love, my lack of consideration of others. OH how I need his help because Lord I am fallen and broken. As Paul said, what I do not want to do I do and what I do want to do I do not. Woe is this brokenness within my heart, how I need you Lord. So I ask for forgiveness from all of my friends or family or anyone else who I may have wrong, please forgive me for my sins towards you. Please have compassion on me where I did not have on you, I repent and ask for your forgiveness. I have sinned against our heavenly Father and those I love. Help me Christ make me new I give everything to be more like you. Into the hands of the Lord my heart I give and may in return I receive beauty for these dark ashes.
~AMEN